She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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