his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
