I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Houston, we have a blender
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
