awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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