I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
