That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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