He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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