worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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