I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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