Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
