her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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