She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
