oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
