Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
