I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
