i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
