I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
