You're my little dorito
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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