Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
