Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
