I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
