I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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