so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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