well I can't set my house on fire every night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
