Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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