yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
