You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
