Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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