Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
