I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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