I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
