You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
