I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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