OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
