dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
