my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize