make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
