Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
