not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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