i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
