I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
