My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Found your dick twin last night
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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