it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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