Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This baby is an asshole
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
