I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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