Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
