Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
