Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
