Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
