theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
