seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just want nice things and good sex
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
