im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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