Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
