Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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