my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
