guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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