Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
