I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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