I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize