Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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