Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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