but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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