He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
