Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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