so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
