Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize