so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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