How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
