If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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