I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
