I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I looked at my own cervix.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
