i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize