y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sarcasm needs its own font
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
