apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize