My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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