i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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