when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
3 2 1 whiskey
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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