Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
